Lessons I’m Learning From Having A Voice But Not Being Able To Speak

Just before my husband and I left for my follow-up ENT visit this past Thursday, he asked me if I were excited about being able to speak again. I responded that I was more pensive than excited. I am an eternal optimist. Better said, no matter what I’m going through, I always believe that GOD is able to move mightily–however, whenever, and wherever, to level mountains and do amazing things on my behalf. And often He does! So the fact that I was reserved about the prospects of being able to speak again was telling. I instantaneously became keenly aware that only God knew when I’d be cleared to speak. And I wanted to be completely yielded to His timing and plan. This isn’t to say I was doubting that I couldn’t have been fully healed. I sure was hoping that I was! But the reality is that God has graciously worked into me another kind of faith. I like to think of it as the ‘faith of resignation.’ I desire to be unreservedly His–wholly abandoned to His purpose for my life.

Anyone who truly yearns to be used as God’s instrument knows that this abandonment exacts a heavy price. Many times in the past, God has allowed me to go through heart-wrenching and emotionally devastating circumstances to (amongst other things) test my heart as well as my devotion to Him. These tests came not so that He would know what was in my heart because He already did. The Alpha and Omega, He knows everything about my past, present, and future. According to Hebrews 4:13: “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give an account.” This includes the deepest crevices of our hearts.

God’s testing of our hearts isn’t optional. He tested His chosen people by allowing them to wander in the wilderness for forty years. Why? So that they would know what was in their heart (Deuteronomy 8:2). In similar fashion, I believe one of the reasons I’m walking through this (faith and character-building) experience is so that God may once again test my heart. Am I really surrendered to His plans for my life? As I walk this difficult path, do I trust in His perfect timing for when I’d be able to speak again? In order to say, “Yes, God, I am completely surrendered to You,” I must be totally surrendered to His timing for my healing.