Lessons I’m Learning From Having A Voice But Not Being Able To Speak
During our anniversary celebration a few days ago, my husband told me how much he misses my voice. He added that although I cannot speak, my countenance exudes what I cannot say. “My” son told me last night, “Mom, I really miss your voice and can’t wait to hear you laugh out loud again.” My daughter has mentioned several times that she can’t wait for me to be able to speak again.
I too am bursting to speak again….
Today is the three week mark of not being able to use my voice. Honestly, I don’t know how I’ve done it. It’s only by the sheer grace of God and the loving support of family and friends that I’m still functioning–not feeling upset, withdrawn, or depressed.
Today I received a sweet note and gift from a friend of mine that really encouraged me and blessed my heart. She knows that I like to sing. She mentioned in her note that while humming, it occurred to her that I can’t even do that as it moves the vocal chords. This made her realize just how hard this silence must be for me.
I would be dishonest if I didn’t agree with her. In so many ways, I’ve had to be still and know that God is God (Psalm 46:10). I love to worship God in song–it’s something that I instinctively do throughout the day. During this period of silence, I’ve caught myself quietly moving my lips to a song that’s bathing my heart in praise. My doctor has forbidden this as it also moves my vocal chords. Because I can’t help not singing, I’ve had to really limit listening to worship music. It is also my habit to pray quietly to myself as well as verbally pour out my heart to God. Since being told I’m not allowed to speak, pent-up feelings and emotions have continually been welling up inside of me. I know that God knows my thoughts even before they are on my lips (Psalm 139:4). But as I prayed this morning, my heart felt like a hard, dry sponge, deprived of the life-giving water of spoken words of praise and petitions. I felt as though I had reached the breaking point in not being able to utter my innermost thoughts to God and lift my voice in grateful praise to my Father who is soooo good to me, daily blessing and caring for me in ways that I cannot even possibly know. I feel like a balloon that has slowly been inflated to the point where it can pop at any moment. There’s a roaring volcano in me that feels like it’s about to erupt.
Yet, I wait expectantly and in patience until I can speak again, until I can once more pray and cry out to God in praise, adoration, and thanksgiving. When I am weak, God is strong. To this promise I cling.